visiting mary
Never expected that it would occur to me like this. How did it initiate its crawling into my restless, pondering mind? Must have been a shot of vivid ecstasy, worth being exorcised, on muggy and hot summer days.
I remember the days back then, I spent in dullness; thoughts drifting afar due to insomnia and assignments that challenged approximately 0.011 percent of my neuronal capacity. That was hospital back then. And you. The personification of a mad scientist. Kept waiting for me, capturing my appearance with your wistful gazes. They were telling stories of devoid and fragile longings; and stories from the hilltop of your lonely pining existence. You were there, pumping life into my fatigued veins, pushing my blood cells into a trance-like rhythmic circle dance, up and down. Else, my hand would not have scorched under the touch of your hand, pretending to perform an incidental gesture. Muted, my body swallowed the unambiguous signs you sent me, indigestible, left somewhere dwelling in my womb. Until the day we separated, both knowing that we would never meet again.
I sat there sobbing, in accordance with the tunes of maudlin love songs, feeling abysmally ashamed by the obvious display of emotions on my face. On one of those weird days, my folly forced me hasting upstairs, towards the church of the Holy Mother, hoping for a glimpse of relief.
There I knelt, my mind all empty, a blank heathen, an educated atheist; unable to recall a prayer from a childhood memory that had never stored such phrases into the psychological realms of spiritual knowledge. THOU LUCKY VIRGIN! HOW WILLST THOU EVER COMFORT ME IN MY AGONY? THOU KNOWST NOTHING! Oh… Oh! How did I envy her in that moment for her ignorance of sexual desire! But while I was staring at her statue in disappointed fury, my eyes tracked the emblem of the consolation I desired: MATER DOLOROSA, PIERCED MARTYR HEART, THOU KNOWST MY PAIN! However, redemption was not at all, what I took with me from the Goddess. I stepped out into the cold and moist harvest fog and while taking a deep breath, I absorbed the mantra, I exhaled: SOLITUDE, I LOVE YOU TOO! Finally, I had consummated copulation with the emptiness of space.
